A mess in progress
By Caroline Laramie
It hit me today. For years I was an emotional mess because I was stuck. Stuck in a stagnant mess of coping mechanisms that I don’t even hate some days because I realize their purpose.
I needed them in order to get through the day. Without my bingeing, restricting, compulsive exercise, and OCD I would have broken THE F*** DOWN. But with them, I got out of a toxic relationship, and raised my kids as a single mom with next to zero financial, physical, or emotional support from their father. I had a successful career and the respect of friends. I created a life for us—a happy, loving, nurturing little family unit where me and my kiddos felt safe.
So for that I say thank you to my binges that kept me up into the night and on the toilet half the day. I say thank you to the exercise that kept me looking good on the outside but crumbling underneath. I say thank you to my food restrictions for helping me to stay in control while everything else was so fantastically out of control. Thank you all for keeping me STUCK in a state of messy survival. I needed you.
“I see you for what you were and I see now where I’m going. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I can do this without you.”
But now I’m done. I see you for what you were and I see now where I’m going. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I can do this without you. But I’ll always understand you and I will certainly still reach for you.
The thing is I might STILL be a mess sometimes. I might falter, jump ahead, bounce around, sidestep, or even take a break from progress. Like a lay the f*** down and take a goddamn break, break. But the difference is I’m a mess in motion and even the breaks have purpose. I can see myself. I can feel the changes in me. The work is messy emotional turmoil and non-linear, exhausting self-reflection. Messy S**T.
Oddly enough though, it feels REALLY GOOD. If a mess in progress is where I need to be for a minute here in this lifetime, I’ll be it and I’ll move with it. I won’t fight it. Fighting it broke me down, got me stuck. But I’m here now. Here in this moving mess of progress is where I’ll happily stay. It feels a lot better than thousands of calories or miles on the treadmill ever did.
Written by Caroline Laramie
Caroline is the founder of Soul Sugar, a sweets company for which she makes French macarons and meringues. The cookies are a vehicle for her message, which stems from her eating disorder recovery:
“I am very passionate about using my own story and experiences to convey my message. My message is an anti-diet culture as well as working to destigmatize mental health issues. What we eat should never make us feel guilty.”
Follow Caroline and Soul Sugar Sweets on Facebook and Instagram.
