The push and pull of eating disorder recovery
It’s no secret—I’m imperfect in my eating disorder recovery.
There are days when I’m shocked by how much progress I’ve made.
There are also days when I can’t believe I’m still dealing with this.
It’s joyful, and frustrating. It’s encouraging, and discouraging. Some days I’m on top of the world. Others, I want to give up.
I’ve come to learn that this is likely what my recovery will look like for some time. And I’ve made peace with that. But even when we make internal gains toward self-improvement, the world around us might stay stuck, resulting in ubiquitous triggers and uncomfortable moments.
Social media, ads, the changing seasons, people’s comments—despite their decline in effectiveness, they don’t stop. And they likely never will. So, how is it possible to move forward in recovery in a world where diet culture, body image, and a heavy focus on appearance feel like mainstays?
In this post, I’ll lay out:
Common issues in the push and pull of eating disorder recovery, balancing healing vs. falling into old habits
What keeps us moving forward, and what might trip us up
How to welcome the changes that come with recovery while the world and what our bodies mean seem to stay the same (or possibly get worse)
Craving food peace vs. rising food noise
The push
When we’re mired in our eating disorder, we dream about eating without guilt, skipping the scale after a meal, and exercising just for fun, not because we feel like we have to.
These hopes give us a chance to imagine a world where we’re not tied to our behaviors. For many of us, the desire for peace (or even ambivalence) around food is why we pursue recovery in the first place.
We might take baby steps toward this dream by allowing ourselves to sample a fear food, deleting a calorie-counting app, and practicing sitting with uncomfortable feelings either before or after we eat.
The pull
As much as we crave this peace, it’s almost too easy to be pulled back into disordered thinking. The strength of our recovery can be tested by social media posts that promote “clean eating” or “detoxes” as morally good practices. We might overhear friends or loved ones discussing diets or eating patterns that verge on disordered. These messages may test our recovery by pressuring us to believe that our worth is tied to our appearance and discipline, rather than joy and nourishment.
Trusting your body vs. fear of letting go of control
The push
In recovery, we learn that our bodies are not the enemy. They’re not trying to hurt us or betray us. In fact, they’re trying to protect us. And in some ways, this protection comes in the form of hunger, fullness, and fatigue. Our bodies are even designed to feel pleasure, which is another sensation we might learn to reclaim in recovery.
Understanding and learning to recognize all these signals and sensations teaches us that we can trust our bodies. We can rely on them to alert us when we’re hungry or when we’re full, when we feel pleasure and when we feel pain. It may take time to re-establish some of these feelings, but the body knows what it’s doing. If we’re patient, we can let it guide us.
The pull
As much as we want to trust what’s going on inside, we’re faced with countless opportunities to judge what’s happening on the outside. We pass mirrors that lure us to reflect on our appearance, we experience changes in body weight that complicate our feelings about our worth, and we’re fed messaging that equates wellness with smallness.
We believe that our behaviors keep us in the driver’s seat; if we can control our shape, we can control how other people perceive us, and how we perceive ourselves.
Finding joy in food vs. lingering guilt
The push
Eating disorder recovery is full of unexpected food joys, from realizing you don’t care what people think about your restaurant order to trying a new food just because you want to, and not worrying about how it affects your appearance.
I, for one, had forgotten just how delicious sweet potato fries with ketchup could be. Recovery gives us the freedom to rediscover foods we once relegated to the “off-limits” category, and explore new foods we never thought we’d try (and even love!).
We learn to see food not just as fuel, but as an engine for connection. And after eating, we’re able to feel calm, nourished, and satisfied, rather than guilty.
The pull
We may still be plagued by inner voices telling us we’ve gone too far or lost control if we eat beyond our comfort level. We’re exposed to ads and influencers who preach “guilt-free” foods and snacks, reinforcing the idea that food is either good or bad. And when our brains aren’t used to letting us feel pleasure, we may feel confused by this newfound joy, unwilling to feel it in its entirety.
Reclaiming time and energy vs. resorting to familiar patterns
The push
When you stop counting, planning, and hiding your behaviors, you’re suddenly gifted with all sorts of time, space, and energy, which can be daunting at first. But once you settle into this new freedom, you may find you fill this time with activities you enjoy, which can restore a sense of identity beyond your eating disorder.
The pull
For some, this idea of space can be overwhelming and uncomfortable, to the point where you may revert to old behaviors to fill the gaps. Old routines promise a false sense of safety, mainly due to their familiarity—what’s familiar can be comforting. But growth happens when we’re pushed out of our comfort zones.
Finding peace in messy recovery vs. the pressure to ‘fully recover’
The push
Even baby steps in recovery can be seen as little wins. Seeing recovery as a period of growth, rather than an end goal of perfection, allows you to take your time, go at your pace, and do recovery your way.
The pull
If we’re still struggling after years of attempting recovery, we might see ourselves as a failure. We may know people who have recovered, so we see that as the final destination. But for many, recovery isn’t a stage to reach; it’s something we continue to work on every day.
Finding stillness in recovery
Recovery isn’t a straight line. It’s a messy, swirly, confusing zig-zag. The pushes don’t happen overnight, and the pulls don’t mean you’re failing. We’re inundated with messages that recovery is something to achieve. But it’s actually more of a process than a final stage to reach.
The process will continue to push you toward healing while also pulling you back into what feels safe and familiar. When you’re able to find compassion for both parts of you, you open yourself up to opportunities for growth.
Pause & Prompt(s)
When I feel pulled back toward old patterns, what am I really needing?
If I could speak to the part of me that’s afraid to recover, what would I want it to know?
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How to balance healing vs. falling into old habits.