Can we talk? How to open up about your eating disorder
“I’m going to diagnose you with anorexia nervosa.”
When I heard my first eating disorder therapist say these words, my concentration evaporated. My first fears revolved around admitting to both myself and others that things were not OK. How would my family react to this? How would it affect future relationships? How would I come to terms with this?
The first time I told a loved one about this diagnosis was the moment it became real for me. Now people know, I thought. Now I actually have to do something about it.
Whether you’re sharing your words with a loved one or a stranger, this post will help you navigate the overwhelming feelings of doubt and fear as you learn how to open up about your eating disorder and move forward in recovery.
Why silence is dangerous
“Secrets keep you sick” is a common adage with eating disorders and other mental illnesses. The more we keep our thoughts and behaviors to ourselves, the stronger they become.
Eating disorders want to remain a secret. When no one knows about them but you, they have a better chance of controlling you. Eventually, the emotional toll of carrying this burden alone can break us down, leaving us depending on the eating disorder to guide us through the pain with temporary relief.
This is why opening up about your struggles can feel both scary and necessary. The moment we start to verbally uncover the realities of what we’re experiencing, we begin to strip away the eating disorder’s power, and it slowly starts to weaken.
Addressing shame
When you realize you have something major going on that you need to come to terms with, you may feel an onslaught of uncomfortable emotions: denial, disappointment, fear, shame. You may experience fear that others will think you are damaged, seeking attention, or making a big deal out of something they consider to be harmless (e.g., dieting).
You may feel the urge to minimize what you’re going through and pretend it’s not serious enough to warrant asking for help.
These thoughts can convince you that you’re not ready to share or that it’s not worth opening up to loved ones. They can make you feel like you’re overreacting, and that you’ll only be met with judgment, criticism, or shrugged off if you share this with people you trust.
How to overcome shame
You may be met with reactions that are less than supportive. You might feel ignored, unseen, or invisible. Your words might awaken in someone else uncomfortable feelings that they’re not ready to deal with. Sharing your experience with a loved one isn’t about the other person—it’s about you. And by expressing yourself to someone you love, you’re taking accountability for your actions and sending the message to yourself that these actions are no longer working for you. This signals to your brain that it’s time for change.
Starting the conversation
You’ve built up the courage to talk to someone about your eating disorder. What now?
Here are a few tips to get started:
First, try writing down what you want to say. Pretend as if you’re writing a letter or text to the person you want to tell.
Practice reading what you wrote out loud to yourself or with your therapist or another member of your treatment team. Ask them to provide examples of responses you might get so you can practice hearing them.
Take some time to reflect on what you’ve written. How does it feel when you say the words aloud? Is there anything you want to change about how you share?
Once you’ve decided you want to tell someone:
Choose the most comfortable setting and format for you (e.g., in person, on the phone).
Be gracious with yourself—regardless of the medium you choose and the words you use, you’re taking a huge step.
If you’re really nervous about how the person will react, schedule some downtime for self-care after the conversation, or set up a debriefing session with a friend or therapist to unload your thoughts.
How to manage reactions
Responses to you sharing your story may vary. Some may be supportive, while others may be confused or unsure about what to say and how to proceed. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you start opening up about your eating disorder:
Others’ reactions have nothing to do with you. They may reflect conflict within that person that they’re not aware of. They may be dealing with their own internal struggles. Whatever the case may be, you are not responsible for their reactions or how they handle your news.
You can only control your actions. If you’re met with an unfavorable reaction to your vulnerability, remember that you get to decide how you react to their reaction. Remember why you chose to open up to this person in the first place. And congratulate yourself for being vulnerable, doing something scary, and taking a positive step in your recovery.
Encourage further discussion. If the person you’re sharing with is having a difficult time managing the information, invite them to take some time to process. If you feel comfortable doing so, tell them you’re open to answering any questions they may have, either in the moment or after they’ve had some time to think.
Personal story: How opening up creates a safe space
As I became more comfortable sharing my story, I started bringing it up earlier in conversations with new people. I didn’t go out of my way to insert the fact into the conversation, but if it came up naturally, I embraced it.
I noticed that when I did this, I unintentionally created a safe space for the other person to share their experiences, as well. I learned just how many people had gone through similar challenges and felt at ease revealing this to me, even if we barely knew each other. There was an instant bond over shared experiences, and in some cases, it was the first time the other person had opened up about this part of their life with someone else.
Did this always happen? No. As prevalent as eating disorders are, not everyone has personal experience with them. But in my sharing journey, it’s been more common than not that the other person either has direct experience or knows someone who has. The secrecy and shame surrounding eating disorders prevent these conversations from happening, but when we start opening up, we learn just how powerful we can be and how freeing recovery can be.
The freedom of sharing
There are lots of ways to share your story with others. All can be scary, but all can also be truly rewarding.
When you start sharing, you’ll likely feel a sense of relief that you no longer have to carry this secret alone. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength and a skill, one that can be honed over time so that it becomes more natural to practice.
There are a host of benefits that can come from being vulnerable. You may feel freer and more confident to move forward in your recovery. You may feel closer to the person you’re sharing with. But one of the best feelings is knowing that you’re taking a step toward a life free from your disorder. And no one’s reaction or fear can take that away from you.
Pause & Prompt
What is holding me back from sharing my story with others?
When I’ve shared my story with others, I’ve noticed…
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