Dating in recovery: Boundaries I didn’t know I needed
In December 2024, against my better judgment, for only the second time that year, and after 10 years of being single, I went on a date.
As a person in eating disorder recovery, I often wonder when (and whether) to bring up my past to potential romantic partners. Is it when they ask me out, but I already have a workout planned that my ED doesn’t want me to skip? Is it the first time we eat a meal together? Do I sneak it in at the last minute only after I’ve decided to end things?
As much as we grapple with finding the “right time,” the truth is it doesn’t exist. In the example I mentioned at the beginning of this post, for instance, I took a risk: I brought it up on the first date. More on that later…
Dating is hard enough. Toss in a pattern of disordered eating and a sensitivity to discussions around food and diet, and your dinner date suddenly becomes a minefield.
When preoccupations around food, body image, and self-worth are raw and poignant, dating feels a tad more intense than just worrying about whether you chose the right outfit. It can add an extra layer of vulnerability to an already exposing situation.
If you’re struggling with disordered eating, you might wonder if you’re even up for dating. A film of fear may vary in thickness over your dating life, but it doesn’t have to stop you from pursuing connection. Curiosity and caution can coexist. After all, this is also how recovery works.
This post isn’t a list of rules for how to date in recovery. It also isn’t an argument for why dating in recovery is a good or a bad idea.
Instead, consider the words below an invitation to learn how to honor your recovery while exploring meaningful connections.
This is a long one, so let’s dive right in!
Why dating is hard in eating disorder recovery
At its very core, dating involves spending valuable time and conversing with a complete stranger. At the end of each sentence spoken to us on a date, we have to decide how to reply, and for some, this can be tricky. I don’t say this to make you more nervous about your next date. Instead, I want to normalize just how tenuous dating can be at its most basic level.
When we go on a date, we open ourselves to scrutiny, to eyes watching our every movement, ears hearing our every word. It can feel like we’re performing, being evaluated. Adding body image insecurity or body dysmorphia to this jumble of anxieties can make the idea of dating even more daunting.
The feeling of being inspected can activate our insecurities and lead us to equate our worth with our appearance. We may seek validation from this person based on how we look, what we eat, or how we behave.
It’s normal to want a first date to go well, but when we emphasize being liked versus deciding whether we like them, we can quickly slip into self-criticism if things don’t go as we hoped.
What worked for me: Early in my recovery, dating was the last thing on my mind. I had no interest in sharing what I saw as a mess of a life with someone else. And sexual desire? It was virtually nonexistent. So I buckled down and gave all my love and energy to my recovery.
I didn’t feel ready to date until I could confidently tell someone out loud that I was in recovery. I figured this could serve as a solid barometer of how comfortable I was with recovery, and with me.
Setting boundaries while dating in recovery
Even if you’re feeling ready to date, it can be challenging to navigate conversations with a new person, especially about mental health and emotions.
A solution? Setting boundaries before entering into sticky territory with a potential partner. See below for examples of recommended boundaries for dating in recovery.
Reminder: You are allowed to set boundaries without revealing your reasons, especially in the early days of dating.
Boundary 1: Food rules, diet talk, conversations about ‘wellness’
Talking about diets and wellness has become so commonplace that the average person wouldn’t think twice about bringing up such topics. But for those of us with eating disorders, these subjects can stir up a lot. For example, they might trigger the desire to compare ourselves to the person sitting across from us, or create unwanted pressure to eat a certain way on a date for fear of being judged.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “You want me to set a boundary with someone on a first date?” Not necessarily, but also, why not?
Setting boundaries early allows you to communicate what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship. And I can’t think of a more ideal time to set such standards than on the first date. Doing so leaves no room for ambiguity about what you expect from the other person.
What worked for me: On the date I mentioned at the start of this post, he told me he tracked something called macros. At that point, I was about a decade into my recovery. Calories had been my metric of choice in my disordered days, and by the time macros hit the wellness zeitgeist, I was well into my “ignoring wellness” era. Still, I knew that tracking anything involving nutrition was dangerous territory for me.
After the date, I took about a week to mull over what it migiht look like to date someone who practiced this, whether it might be jeopardizing to my recovery, and, ultimately, whether I wanted to see him again.
I decided to lead with curiosity rather than immediate dismissal. I called him and asked why he tracked macros what it meant for him. His answer was less disordered, and more medical. And because I had opened up to him about my ED on our first date, I had the foundation to explain why his macro-behavior was particularly concerning to me. I knew it was risky; all of dating is risky. But being open and vulnerable ended up being rewarding. We’re still together today.
Boundary 2: Body and weight comments
As mentioned above, talking about people’s weight and bodies has long been considered unproblematic. Complimenting someone on their weight loss, even with good intentions, reinforces the idea that thinner is better, and that a person was somehow less valuable in their previous body.
If your date compliments your body, it can feel natural to want to say “thank you,” but you also can choose to respond differently. An example might be to say, “I feel good, and that matters more to me,” or simply choosing to change the subject.
What worked for me: I went on a date with someone who revealed they had lost more than 100 pounds in recent years. Upon sharing this with me, they paused, waiting for a response. I assumed they were expecting me to congratulate them or tell them how impressive it was. I hadn’t yet opened up to this person about my eating disorder yet, but I also didn’t feel comfortable celebrating weight loss when I didn’t know their full story.
Rather than complimenting them on their body, I followed up with questions about how they feel now compared to before the weight loss. I attempted to shift the conversation away from physical results and toward internal changes, as these can be just as impactful on a person’s life.
Boundary 3: Exercise, productivity, and discipline
In our fast-paced hustle culture, getting more done in less time is considered an achievement.
In recovery, we teach ourselves balance—what it is, why it matters, and how to practice it. This typically means learning how to let go of preconceived notions of productivity and making room for more mindful behaviors that better align with our values.
In dating, we may encounter the people we used to be. We may recognize patterns like thinking we need to “earn” our food by working out. We may watch as someone espouses their workout routine as if it’s a moral virtue, which can arouse discomfort. We can’t avoid all types of people, but we can choose who we want to give our energy to.
If you’re on a date with someone whose lifestyle you think may be triggering for you, listen to that warning, or at least, have an honest conversation about your concerns before deciding your next steps. (See Boundary #1.)
Learning to trust your body
The above boundaries often start as small hums somewhere deep inside your body. You may have physical symptoms, or you may not. You may feel a tightness in your chest, find yourself mentally spiraling after dates, or feel the urge to compensate, restrict, or over-exercise to undo the discomfort.
This doesn’t mean you’re overreacting. It’s valuable information that deserves your attention. Recovery teaches us to rebuild trust with our bodies, but it may be harder to detect uncertainties and warning signs, especially after years of going against our instincts by engaging in disordered behaviors. Discomfort isn’t always just anxiety—sometimes, it’s intuition.
What does healthy dating in recovery look like?
Dating means you’re gathering data on whether you like them, not whether they like you. Some helpful indicators of healthy dating include whether you feel like you can be yourself on dates, whether you feel respected, and whether you feel curious about the person, rather than defensive and hyper-aware.
If you feel ready to talk to your partner about your eating disorder, a healthy dynamic looks like respect. They’ll listen, be mindful, and respect your recovery as well as your boundaries around certain topics, if you have them.
In the face of the unfamiliar, pay attention to your safety cues. If anything seems disrespectful, misaligned with your values, or boundary-crossing, you have the right to withdraw.
Choosing compassion for yourself and those you date
Whether you’re new to dating, taking a break, or are active in dating and actively struggling, know that not everyone you meet will understand the intricacies of something as complex as eating disorders. When you’ve lived through an eating disorder, you see the world differently. It may take time for others to catch up to your level of lived experience.
In the same vein, it takes a lot of courage to date, especially in recovery. If you choose to put yourself out there, be gentle with yourself if it doesn’t go as you hoped.
As you approach dating, review the list of boundaries above, and feel free to experiment with some of your own. What feels supportive? What feels prohibitive? Remember that choosing not to date is a boundary in and of itself.
Setting boundaries in the traditional sense may seem counterintuitive to being vulnerable and opening up. But boundaries aren’t meant to push people away; they’re meant to reveal alignment and meet the other person where they are in their journey.
Pause & Prompt
What topics or comments feel unsafe for my recovery? Why? What types of boundaries might help?
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How to honor your recovery while exploring meaningful connections.