How to handle body comments in eating disorder recovery

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

“Wow, you’re so thin!” people would say with wide, genuine smiles.

“Oh, you’re so thin,” I was told by friends whose usual excitement to see me after a summer apart practically melted from their faces when they saw me.

In these two instances, the same words were used to comment on the same body—mine. One was heavy with praise and admiration, while the other served to cover up negative emotions like concern for my well-being.

Regardless of source or intent, words matter. And in terms of people’s bodies, words can be damaging.

In this post, I want to uncover:

• why body comments feel so impactful, especially in eating disorder recovery,

• how to handle receiving body comments in the moment, and

• how to process and interpret them in ways that protect and support your recovery.

So, here we go!

The weight of body comments

In the same vein as commenting on someone’s food choices, comments on people’s bodies can feel invasive, inappropriate, and frankly, pointless. In the realm of conversation topics, and in my humble opinion, there are far more interesting things to talk about.

When it comes to eating disorder recovery, body comments can reinforce the idea that our bodies have value in this world. Whatever words someone chooses to use about our bodies can easily translate into how others see us and, likely, how we see ourselves.

Even if the intent is positive, such comments support the idea that weight is something to consider, to track, and to try to maintain or change.

Personal story: Attention starved

In the two examples of comments I’ve received (at the opening of this post), I used the second to fuel my disordered behaviors. My eating disorder convinced me that my friends were jealous, when really, they were probably shocked by how much I’d physically changed. I latched onto their worried stares, savoring the attention I was getting, even if it was for something negative. My malnourished brain connected the disordered dots: If I keep losing weight, I’ll keep getting attention. So that’s what I did.

What body comments actually mean

In both of the examples at the opening of this post, I didn’t hear what I really needed to hear. Both sets of comments were superficial, of course, but they were also laced with the speaker’s own perspectives about what seeing my body meant for them.

So why do people comment on bodies? It can be for a few reasons, such as:

• it has (somehow) become normal to do so,

• they don’t have anything else to say, and they need a conversation filler, and/or

• they think it’s a compliment to tell someone they “look good.”

In sum, most comments about your body say more about the person who is delivering them than about you and your actual body. Still, it can be hard to separate their intention from your reaction. Often these things are so immediate and natural, we don’t even notice them.

Next, we’ll look at some ways to deal with these comments, both in the moment and after the fact.

How to handle body comments in the moment

When comments about your body come your way, you may feel a range of feelings: the urge to compare, the need to reply with something similar about their body, or the instant internalization of what their words might mean. In the moment, automatic responses may be hardwired by the disorder, but with a little bit of practice, you can replace them with your own voice over time.

Here are a few reframes that may help you redirect how you process body comments in the moment:

• Their comment is not an instruction.

• Their view is through their lens; it does not have to be my truth.

• I don’t need to assign meaning to their words.

If you feel solid enough in your recovery (and in the relationship with the person) to reply, you can opt to redirect the conversation by saying things like “I’ve been focusing on how I feel, rather than how I look,” or set a boundary by saying, “I’d rather not talk about my body.” You can also choose to stay neutral with a simple “Thanks,” and then change the subject.

The goal of these responses is not to manage the commenter’s feelings, but to look out for your own.

Personal story: Tell me more

Comments about my body used to send me into a melee of maladaptive thoughts. I knew no other action but to internalize every word people threw at me, especially about how I looked. My yearning for admiration superseded the torture I was inflicting on my body. Over time, and with the help of a recovery team, I learned that other people’s words really had nothing to do with me, how they saw me, or what I actually looked like. Now, I know I have options when it comes to how I receive these comments.

How to process body comments after they happen

Hearing comments about your body can be startling and activating in the moment, but often the real work comes after these uncomfortable situations.

You may find yourself replaying the comment, identifying what it has triggered in you. When you’ve discovered this, you can practice realigning with and grounding yourself in your recovery.

This may look like:

• identifying the emotions that arose when you heard body comments,

• writing down or reflecting on what these feelings mean to you, and

• returning to routines that center you, like resting or connecting with others.

With practice, you can shift your immediate reaction to a more recovery-aligned response.

How to protect your eating disorder recovery

In addition to redirecting what people say about your body and/or offering feedback on how they make you feel, there are other strategies you can enact if you consistently experience these types of comments.

For one, you can identify patterns. Who tends to make these comments most often? In what settings? With this information, you can set boundaries by limiting your exposure to these people and places.

You also can curate a safe environment online by avoiding sites, accounts, and/or messaging that make you question your own appearance

While the above may apply to certain scenarios, it’s nearly impossible to live a trigger-free existence. There are people you can’t totally avoid and situations you can’t control. It’s important to remember that recovery isn’t about never being triggered; it’s about having the tools and support when you are.

You might also get backlash for setting boundaries. You may hear claims that you’re too sensitive or too rigid. These can be hard to hear, especially from loved ones. But like body-centric comments, these comments say more about the speaker than the recipient.

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In my early days of recovery, I was far too timid to ever call anyone out on their comments. I think a part of me was convinced that a part of what they were saying was right. But over time, I learned that those were my disordered beliefs, not my actual beliefs.

Sadly, body comments likely aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, but they don’t have to hold the same power over you for the rest of your life. Rather than letting comments about your body plant themselves in you, you can learn how to watch them pass through you and let them go.

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Pause & Prompt

What kinds of body comments affect you the most, and why?

If you didn’t feel pressure to be polite, what would you want to say to someone who comments on your body?

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